Friday, February 02, 2018

20 years.

The post you've all been waiting for.

It's been 20 years since I was single. There was a period Photogal and I were apart in the early aughts, but we were still hanging out all the time so I don't really count that.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Luckily I'm still good looking enough that I entertain plenty of relationships, but I'm so out of practice they all crash and burn.

Being single nowadays sucks. But it doesn't suck nearly as much as making my soon-to-be-ex-wife single. That pains me the most. How in god's name do I right that kind of wrong?

So I'm wracked with guilt.

I had what to everyone else looked like a perfect life. But it wasn't. Or was it? I was too blind to accept it.

This is the post I've been alluding to for months. And avoiding for even longer.

Michelle and I are done. Finito. Final. And it wasn't until she screamed at me over the phone yesterday I truly believed it. But we are. Done.

I actually appreciated her screaming at me. It made me realize there is no route back. And I finally got it.

I was an excellent boyfriend. But not a great husband. I don't blame her. At all.

Not. At. All.

Now what?


mlenni said...

Please reach out if you need someone to lean on Jim. I'm just a phone call away.

Anonymous said...

Came here from Twitter ...

I went through this 15 years ago. The actual split, which had been a year coming, took place 15 years ago this weekend, in fact, on the night before the space shuttle crashed. And I have to be honest, it was mostly (though not completely) my fault, and I'm still haunted by the thing. I went on to move to Chicago and marry an old friend, and I'm happier now than I ever could have been then, but it still haunts me. There's a part of that trauma I'll never get over.

So I can't offer anything empty like, "It gets better," because I don't think it does. It changes, and the sharpness of it eases over time, and eventually you overwrite it with better things, but there will always be an empty place. I'm sorry to hear this happened. I'd hoped it never would.

I wish you the best going forward.

(The internet jerk who used to go by BlueFairlane)

Anonymous said...
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Tankboy said...

Thanks to you both. :)

Anonymous said...

Stay single. Learn how to be quiet and to be at peace with just your self. Turn inward and make choices every day that help you find the guy that you like to see in the mirror. Not fleeting moments of ego or self gratification but loving choices. Don't hide or distract or water down from the feelings you have now. Face them and savor them so you can move on. This done and you will prevail. What is REAL will return to you or manifest. The universe is asking for the BEST Jim and won't take no for an answer. Wishing you much healing

Paul F. said...

Sorry brother.