Turnin' Thirty.

I crossed the landmark three-oh already and recently got an e-mail from a friend asking me for some sage advice as she herself stares down the behemoth and enters the world of -- gasp -- thirtysomething...­dum de dum dum...

So here, to aid her and the legions of folks the world over like her, is the super-secret internal memo circulated to all folks who have crossed the threshold of thirty...so without further ado...

SO NOW YOU'RE THIRTY
or
Tips on surviving now that you're an "adult."

- You are now too old to date eighteen year olds. Prospective mates must be at least nineteen or "really mature for their age."
- It's officially okay to like "classic rock" and even some "easy listening" without that ironic smirk. Except for Michael Bolton. That is never okay.
- Speaking of classic rock. R.E.M, U2 and (brace yourself) Nirvana are now "classic rock." Get used to it.
- You will explode like a mouse in Rock 'n' Roll High School if you attempt to listen to any "modern-rock stations" anymore so do yourself a favor and take it off your preprogrammed station list. Also, lay off the MTV. That should be easy since there isn't really any music on that station anymore anyway. Take consolation in VH1 from here on out.
- In three years you will undergo a personal mid-life crisis that will last exactly 64 hours. Just ride it out.
- In ten years you will undergo an actual mid-life crisis. Please, at this time, be certain to remember rule number one to avoid looking like a twat. Also, nothing quite says "dick-head" like a little red sports car.
- You're too old to date boys/girls in bands now. Unless they are on Thrill Jockey or Touch And Go or are affiliated with Tortoise in any way shape or form. This rule adjusts whenever you move to a new city and re-acclimates itself to other regionally acceptable indie-rockers.
- Burn that mesh trucker's hat. It's not even close to funny anymore. You are an idiot.
- Don't worry, it's still okay not to like Oprah. That happens after you turn forty and/or move to the suburbs. But that'll never happen to you, right?
- If you are caught drinking Boone's Farm anymore your friends will laugh at you mercilessly and threaten to spearhead an intervention for you. Strangely the same can't be said if you're caught snorting a pound of blow off a hooker-s and/or gigolo's ass. Then you're friends will make you wear a penis-hat since you will obviously be at your own bachelor or bachelorette party.
- For women: It's okay to notice your biological clock is ticking but don't freak out.
- For men: Her biological clock is ticking, run!
- Only five years until you can be president!