I'm grateful I've been employed throughout the pandemic, since it's given me some level of continuous connection with other people, and kept me incredibly busy creating exciting things. So I've felt incredibly productive in, and proud of, my professional creative life. I can not state strongly enough how much my job has been a positive element in my life, overall.
But my personal creative life? That's a little different.
Much of the time I feel stuck in neutral. The gears are whirring and the motor is revving, but there's no forward momentum. So many ideas, all fighting for a way out of a brain that twists and turns and examines all these things on long, rambling walks through my city. So it's created a huge cathedral of possibilities in my mind, but I'm often stuck on how to get those ideas out of my head.* And the varying states of limbo I've been stuck in for going on 2 years now is, well, starting to concern me. Is there an exit? A way out? Will I ever get back to "normal?"
I think all the answers to all those queries are: kinda?
There has to be an exit, or demarcation line, or "other side" I've yet to reach. So there must be a way out of this. But I think the answer to the last question of "getting back to normal" is a definitive no and yes. Will I ever get back to the life I once had? Nope. But I will find a new "normal." I mean, so far, this is the new normal, right? And it's different than what I thought was "normal" a few months ago, and even more different than what I thought was "normal" a few years ago. It's obvious, but easily forgotten.
But being stuck in limbo this long has made me question my strengths. Or supposed strengths. Or the things I thought were important to my own composition.**
The cruelest joke is I thought I had my midlife crisis years ago, so I wasn't expecting to encounter a new existential crisis after that! But, and I know this sounds like a cliche but I truly believe it now, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. Whether or not I know why isn't important any longer—I've just accepted that the life I'm leading is supposed to travel along this pathway, so I'm doing the best with what I've got.
Sorry, this isn't supposed to be a bummer. I've been more private over the last few years for a variety of reasons, but I still think it's important to be transparent about stuff like this. Especially if you're reading this and identifying with fractions or all of what I'm describing—you know you're not alone.
And knowing you're not alone in a world where you see friends or family, like, once a month or even less often, is vitally important.
And if you're reading this, you're definitely not alone.
And I appreciate you.
I truly, truly do!
*I can't emphasize enough how much I've discovered my prodigious levels of output in the last 30 years relied on talking through ideas with people, whether they (or I!) were aware of it or not. There's a reason I could kick out 3000 words on an event that happened hours before: all the work was done in my head and bounced off any number of human sounding boards ahead of time. The act of writing is a solitary affair, and while the thinking that goes into it can be done in isolation that's not nearly as strong as thinking vetted by other humans with their own thoughts and perspective to help inform my own conclusions.
**As in the composition of the person as a whole, not my composition skills that lead to what you're reading. If there's one thing that hasn't changed it's that I can still write up a storm. And it's something I always feel the burning need to do. I just rarely want to these days. You know?
No comments:
Post a Comment