Too unsexy for my shirt....

Nerve.com has published The Unsexy List and it is good. What’s even better is that I came across it today when I am not full of witty things to say myself. What’s best is The Assembly opening for OK GO tonight at Double Door. Okay, that last one had nothing to do with The Unsexy List, but who cares? Below I’ve excerpted a few of my favorites. Go see the full list here: 

5. Lord of the Rings The movies are fine, but did you know that if you read the trilogy three times in a year you actually get your virginity back ? 

6. Denise Richards Sexy two years ago, but now looks like she's been ridden hard and hung out wet. 

10. Star diets Has anyone seen the other half of Beyonce Knowles, Kate Winslet, or Christina Ricci? 'Cause it left with all the good parts. 

16. Jenny from the block Forget the "real" J-Lo. We'd rather fuck the one who demands white candles and 450,000-thread-count sheets in her hotel room.

19. Little digital cameras on your cell phone These are for taking dirty pictures and posting them online, not for snapping your fully clothed friends in bars. When will the populace understand this?

25. Stillettoes Exactly 87% of women who wear them hobble around like newborn foals.

35. Friendster.com For a few months, it was a secret cute-kid sex party. Then all your exes heard about it. Then Courtney Love got on it. Then strangers started insisting you'd shared some magical experience with them outside Tuscaloosa. You told them you'd never been to Tuscaloosa and that they must have the wrong person. Then they told you your pet hamster’s name from when you were five and you started shaking.

37. Headgear Trends Trucker hats, paperboy caps and sweatbands look ridiculous on anyone other than truckers, paper boys and Bjorn Borg in 1976. You can be funny, but not with your head.

40. Ann Coulter Oh, look! Psychotic neo-Nazi tendencies and pretty hair! Isn't that cute? No. And think about it: it's not hard to be the belle of the conservative-pundit ball when all the other guests are Rush Limbaugh.

41. Flavored lube If God wanted us to taste like kiwi, he would have made us kiwis. (Also applicable to lip gloss.)

43. Blogging about your sex life People who do this are under two delusions: a) that everyone wants to fuck them, and b) that their writing is interesting. Which is worse: sexual megalomania or an inability to edit? It's a dead heat. The online equivalent of that excruciatingly monotonous blowjob scene in every porn movie ever made.

44. Planned sex marathons "Dude, we got a hotel room and didn't come out for three days!" This never happens. Even if it does, it's not cool.

47. Teenagers The aspirational age of our society is about sixteen. But a smoking-in-the-girls-room, fucking-in-the-backseat sixteen. Not a bra-strap-snapping, zit-popping, handing-in-math-homework-late sixteen. Market your lite beer however you want to market your lite beer, but know this: real teenagers are kind of gross.

50. The Internet All those people. All that porn. All that time. Nothing you can touch. 

 Thanks to Julie for bringing my attention to this coolness.