Friday, March 28, 2003

Hogs and Honeys

I'll be the first to admit that I run with a group who can be a bit, um, stuck on ourselves and tend to look down our noses at activities that aren't really "cool." Luckily we're a self-aware enough group of folks that we realize that this attitude is pretty butt-ass dumb and we do our best to challenge our preconceptions and remain open to outside possibilities when it comes to activities through which to while away our free time.

Simply, we're looking for fun and we'll get it any way we can.

In that spirit I decided that last night would entail an excursion to a bar that, on the surface, just seemed so vile and disturbing a concept that it just had to be so gaudy as to be fun. Basically Hogs and Honeys is a bar that's aiming full-on for the yuppie Bud Light swilling Hooter's lovin' beach volleyball pick uppin' crowd. You can get $1 22ounce beers, ride a mechanical bull for free and the hot female bartenders jump up on the bar and dance. Then drunk girls jump up on the bar and dance. Then drunk ex-frat guys jump up on the bar and dance. Then adrunk ex-frat guy and a hot female bartrender indulge in a pull-up competition on a rail above the bar-top. The hot female bartender won. On top of it all our friends who are in a live rock and roll karaoke band were performing.

So I think you get the idea. On paper this is just too hilarious to be true and when mined correctly it must be fun, right?


It was scary. Really scary. Had I been drunker it might have been slightly fun. For instance one of my friends was sufficiently drunk that he was hitting on the beer-tub girl and actually thought he had a chance. I know this line of thinking since I've stumbled into that terrain in the past. Basically we rocker boys think that when we go to a "mainstream" (read: yuppie/frat) bar we instantly become a "hot commodity" because we're "individuals." The more beer we drink the more we believe it and usually start hitting on the staff because we believe they can "pick up on our vibe" of "individuality." I mean how could they not? They're surrounded by so much cattle that when a prime Angus bull walks in they must appreciate it, right?

Nope again.

Basically the staff is there to make a buck. The easiest way to make a buck off frat boys is to wear tight shirts and flirt a lot. It's almost reflexive. So in the end we fall for the exact same line the frat boys are which, in effect, proves that we ain't that much different from the crowd we're lookin' down our noses at.

Anyway, the band was smokin' and the crowd really seemed into it and this was the portion of the evening I could almost stomach as long as the beer and bourbon kept flowing. However they cut my friends off early so they could start playing "white-boy-friendly" hip-hop (The Beasties, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Will Smith, you know...crap) and get those girls dancing on the bar again. Now this is the point that the crowd really started to get into it and other girls started jumping on the mechanical bull and I was just surrounded by red leering jeering alcohol bloated male faces. It was like the scene where the acid kicks into Hunter S. Thompson in the hotle lobby and the floor runs awash in blood while the clientele turn into large scaly lizards.

Nightmarish really.

So we got the hell out of there.

So to recap: my friends and I tried something new last night, had a bit of fun and then ran like hell when the scene started to get a little weird. The lesson learned? Next time I go to see my friends burn up the live rock and roll karaoke at Hogs and Honeys I've got to a) get pretty plowed before getting there b) get there early and c)start practicing my pull-ups so I can kick that hot female bartender's ass in the pull-up contest.

And now the yucks.

Here is a place that folks are summarizing musicians entire career in the space of a few words. Very funny.

Thanks to The Rub for the tip-off.

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