Tuesday, February 06, 2018

Working through it all.

So some of the most traumatic things we can go through are getting married, buying a house, losing a job, and getting divorced, and I’ve had all those things happen in the last 2 1/2 years. And it’s taken its toll. I’ve pushed away the people that try to help me while clinging to the ones that aren’t healthy for me.

And that’s got to stop.

I was talking to an old friend on Monday, and he was giving me good advice while also not pulling any punches. He said it was OK to not be OK, and that while things will never be the same, there is a certain peace in finally accepting that. And I’m trying to. Both find peace and acceptance. But neither comes quickly or easily.

I mean, I still have Michelle’s photos on my desk at work. Though I’ve finally started telling people at work what’s up, so should probably take them down.

I don’t know why I write about this publicly. I think I’ve been doing this for so long it just feels like the best way to work through it? Looking through some super ollllld posts here showed me that I’ve always been bluntly honest. I think I went through a stretch in the late aughts when I curated my image more than being simply direct, but that always felt like cheating.

My stomach is always in knots and the corners of my vision are dark. But both of those will pass, in time.

I’ve been a public person for so long I don’t think I know how to be private. I’ve toyed with the idea of just unplugging. Going away. Stopping writing here. But the one constant in my life for the last 15 years has been posting daily on this site. And I feel I need that anchor.

I got married to one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. I am heartbroken that it’s over, but I am heartened to think she may find a new beginning and be happier. I’m hoping I can do the same. It’s one of the reasons I went public with what’s going on last week. It was time to stop pretending like it wasn’t happening. And I was growing weary of always having to answer questions about why she wasn’t around and such.

Eventually I will figure this all out. There’s still some mourning to do, but I feel a corner’s been turned.

I just took her photos off my desk.

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