Well that didn't work out as planned.

I sat down to write about the road-trip this weekend, figuring that by centering on something filled with so much joy that I could side-step the whirling emotions brought on by my dad's sudden death, but I just can't bring myself to do that quite yet. Then I started thinking that maybe there is joy to be found in my present (difficult) circumstance. I mean yes, my dad passed away much quicker than anyone thought he would. The final developments took even his doctors by surprise since Saturday they had seriously been considering removing him from the I.C.U. and possibly even sending him home even if it was just in a hospice sort of situation.

I guess even the best doctors can't see what’s coming sometimes.

So where's the joy?

For one, my dad left knowing he had a family that loved him deeply and his family knows how much he loved us. Not everyone is that lucky and I'm glad I come from a unit that despite our differences and exhibits of human frailty and even occasional cruelty towards each other we all know that there is no other family we would want to be a part of. We also now know that the cancer was far more widespread than we imagined and the fact that my dad felt so little pain at the end is a minor miracle in itself. There is definitely joy to be found there.

Yes, this is the real hard part as we navigate the final arrangements, sort out financial affairs and generally just try to figure out our own ways of saying goodbye to the physical stage of my dad's life. As I type this that sounds kind of cliché but for all my supposed gifts – and I've been told writing has always been one of my stronger talents – this is one time I'm still struggling to find out how to put my feelings down in a way that seems honest without becoming hopelessly fragmented. In the end that's what I think this stage is as emotions whirl out of control and any kind of continuity as far as an inner monologue is doomed to break apart and splinter in a million different directions at any given moment.

But yes, despite all that there is joy. Well wishes from friends, the chance to reflect on a life well-lived and a family that grows closer even as our numbers diminish, all contribute to the support system that makes a tragedy I really thought I was years away from dealing with infinitesimally more bearable.

So maybe tomorrow I'll want to add to that joy and talk about the last time I saw my dad and how he urged me to hit the road with one of my favorite bands filled with great friends and how even had he known he was never going to see me again he still would have wanted me to be out there living so he could die proud that his son was on the same road to experiencing a life as full as he had. Or maybe I won't want to. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how I feel.

My dad wouldn't want it any other way.