"You're the same person you used to be, and I'm not."

So I've decided that High Fidelity has pushed its way toward the top of my all-time movie list. (Other films holding that coveted spot: Philadelphia Story, Breakfast At Tiffany’s, Blade Runner. In case you haven't been paying attention.) When the movie came out I was deluged with phone calls/emails from friends (many of whom to which I had recommended the book in the first place (see Tom, that's proper english, although I could've gotten away with "many of whom I reccomeded the book to" but I'm erring on the side of stylistic integrity here)) who were like, "Tank, we just saw a movie, and the main character is you."

Now if one is going to be compared to a John Cusack charachter, I'm going to guess -- if they want the girls -- that character should be Lloyd Dobler, not Rob Gordon. But there you have it, you can't always get what you want. (Which song, by the way, is number two on my "Top Five Rolling Stones songs" list. Number one is "She's A Rainbow.)

But I came home last night, l, and popped in the film in question and realized that I am no Lloyd Dobler. No. I am the pop culture dweeb, smarter than your average bear, that is constantly struggling with the notion of "growth."

(Here I really have to apologize for the overabundance of quotes and parenthetical asides, but in this situation, and for what I'm trying to convey, I honestly think they are appropriate.)

At my core, it's true, I am who I am. And, for all the responsibility I've managed to shoulder over the years, the base -- the core -- of my being is still centered around music and the night-life and all the detritus and satisfaction that orbits that mentality.

Is this appropriate for one in their early '30s? Is this the mark of a mature human male? Is this what my parents hoped for when I popped out in 1972, full of ambition and promise? Is this what I was meant to be?

To be honest, the more I think about it, the more I think the answer to all those questions is "yes." I mentioned the whole idea of a "core" top my being and I'm pretty sure that I need to be honest to that core. I've wavered and hemmed and hawed and vacillated between a number of states in the past few years but I think that the most I (or anyone else) can ask for is that I follow my own path and do so with conviction.

If you do that which is right for you, then everything else will fall into place. Eventually.

So I think it's time to stop all the second guessing and faux-internalization (especially since said faux-internalization always ends up being a sallow (shallow (weak)) attempt at justifying dubious (internally, to me, again) behavior) and begin just being. Again.

This isn't to say that happiness will be found through mimicry of a movie, or regression to past states that once held easy happiness. But it is to say that perhaps it's time for me to stop trying to figure out what I think I want and just center on making myself a better and more complete -- and by extension, happier -- person.

Everything else will fall into place.

POST SCRIPT (as opposed to a P.S.): Oddly enough this started , mentally at least, along a whole different tract. Predictably one that involved ex-girlfriends (since the first thoughts of this started to germinate during the "Top Five Break-ups" list outlined in the High Fidelity cinematic experience.)

Obviously it took a completely different tangent. At least now I know I can mine that whole "Top Five Break-ups" thing at a later point. Huzzah!

Post-post Script (a.k.a. the P.P.S.): The sad thing is, all the above hornswaggle is actually the way I talk. Minus any "air-quotes" of course.

Absolutely the Final Post-script: I'm really good at creating events that leave people with fond memories...now I need to create something concrete that affects people over a span (infinite?) of time and allows them to develop reactions and create memories responsively.

What I've done is fleeting, what I need is a legacy.