Tankboy's Simple Life Lessons: How not to be a dick at a restaurant.

I was thinking back to my days or bartending and managing restaurants and so on and so forth and decided that the following things are just a given and you should never, ever question any of them. Think of them as The Golden Rules For Eating Out and realize that by following them you can help ensure that no one will ever spit in your food or put eye drops in your Chianti.

Bon Appétit!

• Never leave less than a five dollar tip, even if the bill is only for a $3.99 breakfast special. Anything less is really just a slap in the face. The food may be cheap but the server puts in the same amount of time regardless of the venue. Be nice.
  
• Everyone should have to work in the service industry. It should be like mandatory military service so that people could see just how evil other people can be. If you've never waited on a customer you do not know just how base the average customer acts in even the simplest situations.
  
• Say thanks to that busboy that refills your water. You'll be amazed at what a small kindness will do for another human's ego.
  
• It is totally okay to complain about a sub par meal, but don't always do it in expectation of a full comp. In other words you should speak up as soon as you taste something is amiss and not wait until you've polished off your plate in hopes of a free meal. Duh.
  
• Waitstaff have bad nights just like you have bad days at the office, only they have to keep smiling and have no cube in which to hide. Just keep this in the back of your mind for reference.
  
• That waitress/waiter is being nice to you because it's their job, not because they are your friend, so they -- 999 times out of 1000 -- really DO NOT want your phone number. And never EVER ask for theirs. A lot of creepy people come in and make assumptions so don't be one of them.
  
• Celebrities that have their meals comped and don't tip are the lowest of the low. Celebrities that run around the restaurant introducing themselves to every single table at one in the morning are awesome. I'm looking at you Keanu.
  
• Yeah, I have other celebrity stories but who really fucking cares?
  
• If you made a reservation and the host/hostess tells you it'll be a few minutes until a table opens that is totally cool and expected and you should take it in stride and go to the bar for a drinkie-poo. If that table still hasn't materialized in fifteen minutes it usually means a few parties have camped out and thrown the reservations off for the evening so don't get all pissed off. However, that being said, if you have to wait more than twenty minutes for a reservation somebody working at that restaurant had better offer to buy you a drink or appetizer at the bar. Anything past thirty minutes? You should walk out. And I'm saying this as a guy who will almost always side with the restaurant on most issues. However if you wait more than thirty minutes for a reservation someone fucked up royally and you should take your business elsewhere.
  
• Okay, here I'm gonna cheat and let you in on a secret. Bring your own wine to the restaurant. Even if they charge you a corkage fee you still come out ahead.
  
• Okay, to make up for that previous one, if you bring your own wine...tip as if you didn't and your server will totally not care.
  
• I know I said this at the outset and it should just be so evident and it is so sad I really feel the need to underscore this point but be nice. That's it, just be nice. It's that simple. And tip on the total bill, not the pre-tax figure you fucking cheapskate!