And I still just don't get it.

And I still just don't get it.

I'm still sorting out the feelings, but if anyone wants the info on Jamie Ayukawa's memorial gathering on Sunday, please email me privately.

I wasn't going to go, but now I think I am. I tend to like to deal with these things privately, but that's not working this time. His death has gotten to me more deeply than I expected. I mean, in recent years we didn't see each other that often. We hung out a lot when I worked in the service industry, but once I started working in the "corporate" world our schedules didn't really coincide all that well anymore. Now I'm regretting the fact that I couldn't make it to his parties, and pig roasts, and all that fun stuff in recent years. I'm really regretting not making more of an effort to actually hang out with him outside of bars and shows in the last few years.

He was one of the nicest and one of the most "real" people I have ever met. He made me feel close to him right from the get-go, which was surprising since I usually keep my guard up when first meeting people, but he broke through that right away. And I knew he had some darker tendencies, but who among us doesn't? I had no idea he was so troubled though, and wish that I had seen more of him. I mean, maybe I would have picked up on it? Judging by how this has caught everyone so off-guard, probably not, but who knows? Maybe? He had everything going for him; a lovely girlfriend he was engaged too, friends that loved him, talented bands to play in ... I still can't believe he gave that all up.

Sorry if this is scattered, I've only started to try and address this verbally, and my feelings on this one aren't so easily compartmentalized. On one hand I'm incredibly saddened that he's gone, that I'll never have another conversation with him, never recommend another band to him, never listen to another one of his never-ending witticisms. And then I'm angry. Angry that he left everyone behind. But mostly I'm confused. Something about it all just doesn't fit. The whole thing just isn't fair.

I hope you've found peace Jamie.