Beating a dead horse.

Okay, it’s obvious that this is going to happen every January. People make resolutions. It’s unavoidable. People want to better themselves, I understand that. However that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy the sudden influx of morons at the gym hogging all the machines and wandering around bereft of even the slightest hint of any sort of etiquette. I think I made the point last year that folks looking to improve their physical health should be applauded but I have no love for the people who swarm into they gym in January, fuck everything up and then disappear by the end of February. If you’re in it for the long haul then I’m on your side. Everyone else can fuck off.

I am an adult though and understand that all people must be tolerated so I am going to offer a few helpful pointers to the folks new to the gym experience. Follow these and I won’t really care that there are so many of you right now.

• The locker room is not the naked room. Change, shower, whatever…but please don’t walk all over the place sans towel and PLEASE don’t set your sweaty stanky bare ass on any of the stools. Ugh.
  
• Every single machine/weight-bench/exercise tool can be reached from any number of routes. This means that when I’m doing leg curls you don’t need to STEP OVER ME in order to get to the tricep dip machine a few feet in front of me.
  
• I sweat. A lot. So much that it often looks like I took a shower about halfway through my workout. So what do I do? I carry a towel with me. You should do the same so I don’t slip and slide and fly backwards off the elliptical machine.
  
• You’re not a fucking doctor, so get off your cell phone whilst on the treadmill. Freak.
  
• Loud grunting betrays the fact that you have no idea what you’re doing so cut it out. You’re not fooling or impressing anyone.
  
• This is for the dudes: Yes, many of the girls are hot Even an upstanding citizen like myself will sneak a peek at a hottie on a treadmill from time to time. This is to be expected. I suspect those hotties sneak peeks my way as well (although they are probably more along the lines of, “Did that guy spring a leak? Where did all that sweat come from?”) and that’s okay. What’s not okay is a) staring or b) trying to talk to a girl while she’s on a fucking treadmill with earphones on. People do go to the gym to look good and attract the opposite (or same depending on taste) sex, but they don’t often go to gym looking good in order to attract a potential mate.
  
• An hour and a half on the elliptical machine is a tad much. Learn to share.
  
• And finally, naked cell phone guy?> Either wrap a towel around your waist or get off the phone. No exceptions.

There. Print it out, cut it out, tack it to the fridge, live it, learn it.

And I wish you the best in your quest toward personal improvement.